Day Four Part 2

Okay, a binge night has happened. I just have to be calm and breathe deep. Its okay. This is not the end of the world. Go very, very slow.

Day Four

So I had a great day up until I ate a bunch of fruit, a whole pint of Vanilla Fudge Ripple frozen yogurt, and two packets of oatmeal. On the other hand, I met with the nutritionist today and she made me think about going back to some meat and eggs. I don't know about not counting calories; I'm not sure Ill be able to do that. We'll see. In the meantime, that was the last pint. I'm done with that stuff.

HEAR ME, WORLD? THAT WAS THE LAST ONE.

Well, good. Now we're all informed.

Day Three: Night

Just ate a bunch of shit I shouldn't have: soy creamy sandwiches, cashews, persian cucumbers. I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have. So why did I? I felt like I needed to. Next time I get like that, I need to come right to this blog and write about it. Don't let myself go on mindlessly. I need to make the conscious decision to net eat when I feel like mindlessly gorging. I need to force myself to face the music.

Day Three: Morning

Just had a big semi-binge breakfast. 700 calories gone before 11 a.m. It's okay, I just need to calm down and consider for the rest of the day. I have about 650 calories left at my disposal: this means making lunch and dinner very vegetable-heavy and not having anything too dense. I can do it easily.

Day Two

Didn't post last night because I was tired, but here's the report: I actually had a really good day. Did a shortened but effective workout, kept my calories low...although I did have a second banana at night that I didn't want to. But going over the calories a little bit is much better than bingeing.

Not eating processed sugar is doing well for me. Two days so far. I don't think it's a forever kind of thing, but it's good right now. I'm down to 178 post-workout and I'm glad. Basically, saying no and staying on track feels so much better than saying yes and hating myself. Also, walking fast is awesome, especially in the middle of the day. You actually burn calories and get places quicker!

Day One

So today had its goods and bads. On the plus side, I reached 179 on the scale, both pre- and post-workout. On the anti-plus side, I ate too many calories, no deficit. On the plus side, everything I ate was healthy. On the anti-plus side, "healthy" only goes so far.

It's the nighttime that I really have a problem with. Dinner out is especially tricky. Making sure I have enough calories in deficit, and then I always exceed...Basically, I need to stop eating all the time. I need to find something to do with myself when I get the urge to get up and eat. If I can find some kind of distraction, I could really break myself of the bored-eating habit.

I think I'm going to put a solid cap on 1300 calories. That way I won't keep going "Oh, just a bit more...bit more..." And really go by the breakfast-lunch-dinner schedule, with a snack each inbetween. I don't love setting all these rules for myself, but if that's what it takes...

Remember: when you get the urge to eat and dont, you both save more calories and feel proud of yourself.

On Your Mark, Get Ready, Fuck This Popsicle Stand.

So here's the deal. It's three weeks before I turn seventeen. I've been losing weight for about fourteen months now, or trying to. After spending my life angry and bitter, I decided to get even more angry and bitter and channel it into feeling happy--kind of like that snake that eats its own ass. From a weight of 250 pounds, I started beating myself into a pulp to lose it. And pulp is pretty high in carbs, from what I hear.

So far, I've lost about 70 pounds. I'm down to 180 pounds at a height of 5'7, and after a summer that can only be termed binge-peppered, I'm stuck. It's not fun. It's not pleasant. But there it is.

Honestly, fuck all of this. Fuck the waiting and hoping and wondering every second of the day what the people around me are thinking. Fuck the fear and fuck the judgement, and fuck the hurt feelings of hurtliness. This is my life. This is who I am. And guess what? I've worked hard so far, and I'm not about to give up. Not after all this. But I am giving up on bingeing and getting angry. I am giving up on being stuck, and on being out of control. I can do this. All of it. And I will.

That's why I'm naming this blog Being Rude at the Table. Because even if no one reads it, and I doubt anyone will, I know that I need to stop hiding myself and my eating habits away and pretending that everything's great or awful when it isn't. I need to be honest about food, something Americans are allergic to. I need to pull my issues out into the open and beat the shit out of them; then I need to stop binge-eating. The two are somehow connected.

The challenge? A weight of 125 by February 10, my half-birthday.

The rules:

1) I post every night, no matter what. To report in, to mark it down. I do.

2) I weigh in every Saturday morning. And I write it down. And I will not pussy out.

3) I have to be honest and if I'm not, I have to be honest about that. Again with the cannibal snake.

So let's get down to it.